


A Part of Me

by rainytropics



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: ARFID maybe?, Anxiety, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Depressed Lance (Voltron), Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith and Lance are actually friends, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lance's family doesn't believe in mental illness, Sad Lance (Voltron), Shiro is a dick in this, dont know why theres no hunk, wish i added my sweet boi in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 07:17:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11595624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainytropics/pseuds/rainytropics
Summary: Lance knew he was overweight, and he didn't think in a year his insecurity would get this bad.





	A Part of Me

**Author's Note:**

> hella swearing
> 
> a fic of me projecting onto lance.. :/ lance in this fic does not have anorexia or bulimia, or any type of specified ED in that matter. maybe you could classify this as ARFID, but i havent gotten myself diagnosed for anything, including what i know i have like depression, anxiety, etc. im self-diagnosing myself with EDNOS even though im sure my eating habits arent that bad, even though the quizzes and screenings ive taken online show im at a severe risk for anorexia or bulimia, and they arent that far off tbh. but anyways, if you think this isnt an eating disorder, ok cool, i dont know if it is either, but it is a eating habit that affects me greatly. 
> 
> any questions? put em in the comments section.

Lance had always been a chubby kid, no matter what, even in 6th grade when he had tried to go on a diet that failed immediately. He had started to grow a deep insecurity that flourished in 7th grade. He started to become a teenager (very slowly, but surely) and began to realize the negatives and positives he had, just like everyone else. Lance had pointed them all out. He was fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, obese, chubby, useless, and he couldn't get a girl to date him on top of that. Lance could drone on and on about what he didn't like about himself. 'Whatever,' is what Lance would think as he went on with his day.

 

Then 8th grade came. Lance had switched to self-harm, but didn't change his eating habits. They were average eating habits. Nothing special. Self-harm was a way for Lance to control himself whenever he felt like his emotions were going out of place, or whenever he felt sad and needed a release. Lance had always used his upper hip as the place to cut, and it used to burn and sting whenever he laid down on that side. But everytime Lance cut, he was looking at his stomach. And every time he looked, a part of him died. He was okay, though. The only thing wrong was the anxiety and depression holding him down.

 

There was one time in that year where Lance went an entire two days without eating, and god it was tough. He wanted to see if it really bothered him. It did, and he sadly convinced himself that he was going to be fat and ugly forever seeing as he couldn't even starve the pounds off. Lance suffered in silence.

 

The start of high school came. The year where he didn't give a fuck how he looked, even though he was insecure about some parts of his body. Lance was high and mighty and was a good student. He didn't play any sports, but did excellent in gym. His studies could be worked on, but grades that could get him into a college were in the works. It was around mid-term week where Lance lost it. Something inside him broke, and didn't eat lunch or dinner (if he did, it was rarely) for the whole week he had testing. His whole life fell apart. He failed 5/7 mid-terms. His grades dropped. He started to cut again. He lost friends. He hated himself.

 

But bad times never last. Lance had found new friends and he stopped cutting. He raised his grades. He began to not give a fuck again. Then May came. Lance was so happy. He had started to talk to a few new online friends, and they made him laugh and they made him pissed, but hey, isn't that what friends are for? Then Lance came home from school one day and went on his PS4, and joined the party. He was unresponsive. He could only muster a tiny 'hello.' All three of them were playing Overwatch, Lance's favorite game. Then one of his friends named Pidge spoke up. "Lance, you alright? You're never quiet."

 

Lance shrugged, and then realized they couldn't see him. "No," he murmured. "today was shitty." Lance couldn't help but speak with a twinge of sadness, as he queued them up for another game in the Arcade, Shiro gone for a bit doing chores.

 

"Wanna tell what happened while Shiro is away? You know how he is." Pidge asked. They were genuinely worried for their friend. They had never seen their friend upset, only happy and giddy.

 

"One of my friends called me fat. And it really struck home. I thought I had myself under control, but I guess not. It really hurt and it got me thinking to shit that makes me feel like shit. I am fat, and them saying it clarifies it. It brings me back to my past of self-harm, and depression. Now I'm fucking depressed and sad and my anxiety won't stop peaking every day. I feel like shit no matter what I do and it takes all my energy to fucking play this game right now. All I want to do is drown in my own thoughts and just revert back to my old self. And I'm sorry for this Pidge, but there was one time I almost committed suicide. You wouldn't have met me if I actually swallowed the pills and wasn't a pussy. But I guess things happen for a reason. Also another thing has put my good moods on block. I'm fucking nearly 15 for Christ's sake, and I still haven't found a fucking boyfriend or girlfriend. Oh, there you go too. I'm bi. But this shit is killing me. Like, am I so ugly and fat that no one wants to date me? Or am I just too loud and annoying that no one wants to put up with my disgusting personality. Maybe everyone in my fucking school wants a skinny guy to date. Someone who doesn't fucking cover their mouth when they smile or laugh, someone who doesn't put themselves down everyday with self-deprecating jokes, someone who will actually wear short sleeves instead of this Rhode Island hoodie that conceals my fucking biggest insecurity. Myself. And fuck, Pidge. Sometimes I wish I just fucking killed myself a year ago. You wouldn't have to deal with me, no one would, and my family would just be happy without another nuisance to deal with." Lance was crying his eyes out. "I'm fucking sorry, Pidge. I'm sorry for being a burden."

 

Pidge's heart broke. It shattered into a million goddamn pieces just listening to Lance sob and wish death on himself. "Lance. I know I can't say 'stop fucking putting yourself down, you're beautiful' because that's not how life works. I can promise you, you aren't burdening me with your problems. I love you as a friend, and seeing you like this legitimately breaks my heart. You're smart, you know how to take jokes, you know how to make jokes, you are one of the most loving people I've ever met, and you can't fail to make my day. I bet that there are people with their eyes on you, but are too much of a pussy to ask you out. Sometimes you won't find love in high school. But I promise, Lance, you will find love and someone will love you to death. Someone will give you a chance, and they will take the risk to love you. They will end up with you forever, or with you for a few months. Love will make or break you, and when it breaks you, pick your fucking self right back up, because you deserve someone worthy of your time. Someone who will fucking find an interest in you that they won't get tired of. Someone will put up with the endless problems life will throw at you, whether it's your severe depression, anxiety, and insecurity. They wont give up, and that's the beauty of love. So, Lance, don't get caught up on the fact of someone not wanting to date you. Also, please tell me whenever you feel like killing yourself. I can't lose you, you mean so much to me. It pains me to see you go through all this shit. You don't deserve it. You deserve all the love in this forsaken world. On another note, I can try to hook you up with Shiro, if you want."

 

Lance felt better. It was like a hug, not physical, but with words instead. Pidge comforted Lance in a way no one has before. Especially with Lance becoming upset that no one had dated him when all of his friends were dating someone. "Holy shit.. Thank you so much Pidge. I can't explain how much that meant to me. And yeah, I mean giving Shiro a shot could work. Why not." Lance sighed out in relief that there was someone in the world that cared enough to help him out.

 

It turned out Shiro was just a fucking loser that wanted to play with Lance's feelings. Shiro made Lance believe that he wanted him. All he wanted was sex. Someone to fuck when he came down to Hawaii. Lance didn't want to do any of that, only cuddling and kissing, holding hands, all that cute shit. Shiro completely disregarded that and kept telling Lance that he wanted to be called 'daddy' and Lance would gag at even saying that word. It's disgusting to him. They were going to date when he went to Hawaii with Pidge and Allura, the trio going to visit Allura's sister there for a week in June. Lance found out it was a lie and that Shiro was only doing it out of pity because Lance never had someone to date. He cried the night he found out. "Of course someone wouldn't want to date me. I'm ugly and fat and annoying. I'm clingy and want certain things. What the fuck is wrong with me." The tears kept flowing as Pidge texted him.

 

(11:47 PM) **the tech master**  
_Lance, I'm so sorry. Shiro didn't tell me it was out of pity and shit like that. I'm pissed at him too._

 

(11:48 PM) **the tailor**  
_whatever. im still crying. i guess im meant to be alone. fat, ugly, and alone._

 

(11:48 PM) **the tech master**  
_Dude, please don't waste your precious tears over him. He's a literal jerk. You'll find someone. It was my fault even thinking about setting you up with him._

 

(11:50 PM) **the tailor**  
_forget about it, pidge. i know you tried to help, but maybe i'm just gonna be a fat loner forever. im over it_.

 

That's how the conversation ended, with Lance pushing everyone away as he threw on his comfort hoodie; the blue tie-dyed one from Rhode Island.

-

Now it was the summer of sophomore year. Lance was doing great, having fun, sleeping, typical teenager shit. Then it became July. Lance truly fucked himself up somehow. He drifted away from Pidge after the Shiro incident, the trio that were coming to visit Allura's sister never came, and Lance was beginning to wake up later in the afternoon, sleeping through breakfast and lunch. It got Lance thinking, why doesn't he just not eat those two meals, and eat a tiny dinner? Simple is what Lance would think. Difficult is what it actually was.

 

Lance would sleep through breakfast 100% of the time, lunch was occasional. He would wake up at 12:30, and just stay in bed forcing himself to not eat, seeing as he was fat already. Sometimes he would actually eat lunch and be content, but most of the time Lance would feel even more fat, and that every bite he took he gained 10 pounds. Then there were the days that Lance's parents woke him to eat lunch, which Lance would love disagree to. He hated eating now. He would gag just thinking about food and how many calories were in it. No matter what he ate or drank, it was always 'how many calories are in it? is it healthy?' He couldn't stop obsessing over the amount of food he took in. He would restrict it most of the time, half a sandwich with barely anything on it for lunch, to a very small plate of whatever his mom cooked for dinner. No snacks between the small meals that left Lance hungry. There were times Lance was forced to eat in social situations, like going to the beach or having a friend sleep over, or sleeping over a friends house. Birthday dinners were a thing, parties too. Lance was just trying to lose weight, and here are all these social events and invitations to which he couldn't really decline. That just meant Lance had to stop eating at home. He just had to stop fucking putting on weight. The month of July is when Lance learned his biggest fear wasn't spiders or bugs, but gaining weight. There was no word to describe the intense fear of gaining. He was extremely terrified and dreaded looking at his body. He hated mirrors. He hated showers. He hated taking pictures of himself to put up on social media. He hated people taking pictures of him. He liked to cover up his body, so even in the hot summer he wore hoodies and occasionally pants. Lance just wanted to disappear. But hanging out with friends made his problem even worse. Friends would start saying they were fat, and that they were trying to lose weight. His friends were clearly skinny. Hell, even Keith complained that he was fat and wanted to diet. Christ, he was stick thin! That made Lance look at himself closely. It meant if his friends thought they were fat, then Lance was literally obese, which he wasn't. He restricted his food intake as much as he possibly could, hiding his stomach and arms all the time, and there isn't a day that goes by where Lance isn't hungry. Lance was getting upset when he wasn't losing anything. Losing his patience, yes. Weight? No. What the fuck was he doing wrong? Maybe he shouldn't of had that fast food with his friends. Maybe he shouldn't of ate that with his friend. Maybe this, maybe that. Lance thought of all the times in July where he ate the most fattening things, and a lot of them too. He was so disgusted. How could he of done that?

 

Lance barely ate lunch. He ate dinner, sometimes. He only ate when needed to. Lance only drank water. He never left his bed and always slept. Lance began to search up diet pills. He began to look up stuff he could do to lose weight quicker. He didn't have the money to buy the pills, and if he did he would be found out by his family. He couldn't fully starve himself because his family always made him eat. He didn't want to exercise. That was the one thing he didn't want to do out of everything. Lance felt like he was gaining instead of losing. He was in conflict with himself. He hated the feeling of his stomach rolls, and the way his thighs touched. He hated how chubby his face was, and how his arms were flabby. But if someone could see Lance, they would tell them he was in the normal range. That his face wasn't as chubby as he thought. His stomach wasn't as big as he thought, the same with his thighs and arms. Lance was decent, not how you would think overweight was. Lance could definitely feel his collarbones stick out, he could feel his semi-boney wrist, he could feel his hipbones if he turned a certain way. But Lance was barely overweight, like he always was. But to him, that word meant like he was 100 pounds more than he should be. Like he was the fattest person on Earth. But that wasn't the case. The size on Lance's shirt was a medium, not a large or extra large, like you would usually expect. Lance's pants were the same size, and that wasn't bad. If anything, mediums were a little bit large sometimes and he could wear a small if he wanted. But all he wanted was to get rid of the fat on his body, be skinny and beautiful.

 

The worst part about his eating habits was that it was hard to explain. Lance doesn't know to classify his habit as an eating disorder, but it has to be something. It does affect his life every day, without fail. He definitely does not eat as much as he should, leaving him hungry most of the time. He definitely restricts the amount of food he has and decides when he should eat it. Sometimes he forces himself to not eat. Maybe it's Atypical Anorexia, or Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, but doesn't that have to deal with "safe" and "bad" foods? And that the person could only eat it if it was a certain brand or color or texture? Lance didn't have a problem with that. He just avoided food and restricted himself from it. But Atypical Anorexia was being a normal weight, not underweight. Lance was overweight, but not by much. And he wasn't fully starving himself. He was confused, and upset. He wanted to go on a diet and take dieting pills and become skinny like he's dreamed of, and obsessed over. Lance would tell his mother and then she could handle it and get a dietician to get everything in routine, but he doesn't have the heart to tell her that he felt fat and obese and that he wanted to lose weight. He thinks that his mother would tell him he wouldn't need to and that she didn't want to put up with that, or that it would make his mom sad. Lance also thought of telling her he needed therapy and anti-depressants, but he already knew that he was getting ahead of himself. Lance's family didn't believe in mental illness. They thought it was a joke. So Lance was at best going to be severely depressed forever, and his suicidal thoughts would be here to stay, and he would always be fat.

 

There was no cure in Lance's future to help him through this. He had to rely on himself and himself only to get out of these bad moods. He was the only one who could lose the weight himself. Lance was sinking deeper every day and sooner or later he wouldn't be able to take it and he would spill everything to everyone. Lance's "eating disorder" if you could even call it that, would last forever and he wouldn't get any help.

 

Lance was forever stuck in a cycle of restriction, sadness, and insecurity. It was here to stay until Lance got help, which he could only dream of.

**Author's Note:**

> if u want a second part or some shit tell me
> 
> hope it helped you through times or that it helped you understand that eating disorders aren't always specified like anorexia or bulimia. this is a real thing i personally go through, and since i have no one to vent to since i've lost friends that i needed most, it turns to writing. this whole story is and has happened in real life. this is a real person experiencing it. this was really hard for me to write, as i know how my eating disorder? eating habit? works and it's difficult to explain in words, so i hope i got the main points across. if anyone would like, tell me if this is an actual ED or if its ARFID or EDNOS. or if its not an ED but a different disorder.


End file.
